Feeling Like a Creepy Old Man

Herbert the pervert from Family Guy

I have a problem.

You see, my wife has always been really sexy.

Now, this might not sound like a problem to you, but hear me out.

Throughout our relationship, I have been fortunate to have a very, very attractive woman. Well, sort of. The problem is, “woman” would be a bit of an aged label for the earliest days of our relationship. Our first date was in early high school for me and between junior high and high school for her.

When I see this photo of my wife wearing this cheerleader-like skirt and go, “Now, that’s one sexy girl,” the girl part takes on a whole new meaning

So yes, we’re high school sweethearts and all that jazz. Everyone in those days knew we’d get married someday. Even her. I think I was the only one who didn’t get that memo. Even my occasional other girlfriends seemed to know that eventually, we’d break up, and I’d go right back to that other girl, and then eventually marry her. But even if marriage was still just a hazy dream in those days for me, I was well aware of the fact that I had a hottie on my hands.

So, what’s the problem?

Think about this: when you look back on photos of your spouse in the early days of your relationship, you likely have feelings of warmth, happiness, and attraction. Well, I get the exact same feelings. Only I’m looking at a picture of a photo of a 14-year-old girl when I’m having those feelings.

So, when I see this photo of my wife wearing this cheerleader-like skirt and go, “Now, that’s one sexy girl,” the girl part takes on a whole new meaning. She actually was a girl.

And I feel like the king of creepy old men. Sure, I’m more turned on by a photo of my wife at thirty in a teddy/thong combo than a photo of my future wife at sixteen in skintight and whisper thin flaming pants, but I’m still undeniably turned on by both.

And it makes me feel rather dirty.

I just have to remind myself that the aged me isn’t the one lusting after this underage girl in all these photos. It’s the memory of the underage boy in me who’s getting all hot and bothered.

I still feel dirty, though.

“Herbert – Family Guy” by Fox/Seth MacFarlane. Licensed under Fair use of copyrighted material in the context of Herbert (Family Guy) via Wikipedia – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Herbert_-_Family_Guy.png#mediaviewer/File:Herbert_-_Family_Guy.png
About Phil (251 Articles)
Philip Osgood is a Christian husband, father, and writer who considers himself a passable video game player, fiction reader, camping and hiking enthusiast, welder, computer guy, and fitness aficionado, though real experts in each field might just die of laughter to hear him claim it. He has been called snarky, cynical, intelligent, eccentric, creative, logical, and Steve for some reason. Phil and his beautiful wife Clara live in Texas with their children in a house with a dog but no white picket fence. He does own a titanium spork from ThinkGeek, though, so he must be alright.