Blame the Women

Eve's apple

There’s an epidemic in America, and it’s only getting worse. Women are looking far too… different from the rest of us.

Look, I was cool with it when they wanted equal pay for equal work. I was even down with the whole suffrage thing. But this stuff is getting out of hand, and it’s starting to affect men, which makes it a real problem. It needs to stop.

Must women always look so…womanly?

When It All Came Crashing Down

Sure, women have looked womanly for a long time, but it’s become more pronounced in recent decades. In fact, I remember roughly when it happened.

When I was eleven, the women around me — mom, grandma, sisters, friends at school, etc.— were just fellow human beings. The only thing that was different was that they didn’t get to pee standing up. Supposedly, at least. I don’t know if they ever really tried.

But over the next couple years, everything changed. Suddenly, they all started doing something different. How do I know? Well, I started noticing the shape of their bodies. I never had done that before I turned twelve.

According to my research, fully half the adults I encounter have these feminine shapes

So women clearly changed around that time.

An Informal Survey

And it hasn’t gotten better since. If anything it’s gotten worse. I did a scientific though informal survey on this. Seriously, I counted and everything. You’ll be appalled at the results.

Across the board, fully half the adults I encounter have these feminine shapes, these womanly curves, and these breasts.

And I’m not biased in my data collection, either. I counted friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. I found this result to be consistent among all geographies I checked and all demographics I encountered. Half in each. It’s eerily consistent.

I swear, they’re everywhere.

And what’s worse, it’s not limited to adults. There’s some sort of brainwashing of sweet little harmless girls. At ten, they’re all hugs and smiles, but by the time they’re eighteen, they’re looking like women. And disturbingly, this happens every single time. How have we not noticed this pattern before? And appallingly, they even get these breasts, and seem pleased by their presence!

Some Answers from Time-Honored Tradition

The problem isn’t my eyes or my hands; it’s all these damnable breasts

Thankfully, the church has shed some light on this alarming phenomenon. I’ve heard many times now that the fault isn’t within us men, though we’re often sensitive enough to feel guilt as if it were. The problem, rather, is with what women are doing to men. It’s how they dress, how the present themselves.

Jesus said it’s a sin if we look lustfully, and they’re making it happen. Then, Jesus goes on to say that if an eye makes us sin, it’s better to pluck it out. Our hand? Chop it off!

But the problem isn’t my eyes or my hands; it’s all these damnable breasts! I wouldn’t look if they weren’t there!

If we were to take Jesus’ words seriously, double mastectomies would be mandatory. After childbearing, of course; I’m a reasonable man.

Combatting Immorality in Shape

To be clear, it’s not just bikini-and-beer billboards or the half-naked pop stars or the low necklines with cleavage. Breasts are immoral in their very shape. I mean, they literally stick out. They’re trying to be seen. Even if they’re fully covered, with no skin showing, they’re still noticeable.

And what am I supposed to do? Not look?

Women’s clothing should be vague, shapeless things. How dare women look different from every single other human being on the planet! As if they’re an exception to the rule that all the rest of us seem to have no problem following.

Now, I’m not requiring that all women wear burkhas like in Afghanistan, but would a muumuu be too much to ask? That’s what I remember seeing my grandmother wearing when I was young, and she never drew my eye like women do today.

How dare women look different from every single other human being on the planet! As if they’re an exception to the rule that all the rest of us seem to have no problem following.

Solving a Large Scale Problem

This problem isn’t limited to me. It’s even bigger than just a handful of guys. This problem women have created affects all men. We’re all being victimized here.

Women, you’re forcing us to sin, and the Bible clearly says that’s sin, too. So, hear me out.

You want me to notice things like your personality, intelligence, skills, and qualifications? Well, I will once you stop looking so… different. So… feminine.

Seriously. I don’t have this problem with any of my guy friends. Not once in my entire life has one of them ever interrupted themselves to say, “Phil, I’m up here.” So, you tell me who’s to blame. No, don’t bother.

This is clearly women’s fault.

Women need to man up and take responsibility.

Originally posted 2015-11-02 08:00:39.

About Phil (251 Articles)
Philip Osgood is a Christian husband, father, and writer who considers himself a passable video game player, fiction reader, camping and hiking enthusiast, welder, computer guy, and fitness aficionado, though real experts in each field might just die of laughter to hear him claim it. He has been called snarky, cynical, intelligent, eccentric, creative, logical, and Steve for some reason. Phil and his beautiful wife Clara live in Texas with their children in a house with a dog but no white picket fence. He does own a titanium spork from ThinkGeek, though, so he must be alright.