Growing up, I mowed lawns around the neighborhood for money. Before I discovered a penchant for reading — which put my wallet firmly under siege — my profits were primarily diverted into two categories. One was my summery expense account, which would fund my goggles, tubes, snorkels, and other precursors to my wetlook/“>wetlook fetish. The other category was my bicycle/watergun fund.
This last one was primarily a bicycle accessory fund. Bicycles offer little boys to both use tools and explore the world. I spent more of my lawn mowing money on lights, locks, mirrors, seats, and other accessories than anything else. So, where do waterguns fit into the mix?
Every time I walked down the aisle at the store to the bicycle accessories I held dear, I walked by this row of large boxes. And every time, I coveted. No, I lusted.
Nowadays, water guns come in all shapes and sizes, from the cheap handheld ordeals that empty in minutes and break after a couple refills to the heavy duty Super Soakers with sights and incredible ranges. Well, this row of lusty boxes contained something like a Super Soaker on steroids.
The gun required two hands to carry, making it akin to a bazooka in my child eyes. It could hit a target from thirty feet away, a feat that boggled my imagination: that was clear across the yard! And best of all, it had a feeder tube that led to a large backpack containing two huge water tanks. No more emptying the gun in ten seconds and running back to the faucet.
This was a man’s gun.
Sadly, I never bought that backpack watergun. There were always cheaper accessories for my bike, and I was terrible at saving. And that gun was expensive. Like $35! That was a lot of yards mowed.
However, I never lost that lust. If anything, it expanded. Now, I have fantasies about soaking my wife — adorned in all white, of course — with that kind of firepower. Or rather, water power. In fact, this fantasy even spawned a sexy game idea or two.
Plus, I want to fight my kids with it, outgunning them in the extreme. After all, this is a man’s gun.
Therefore, I submit waterguns are #notjust4kids.