Waterguns

Korean Sinchon watergun warriors

Growing up, I mowed lawns around the neighborhood for money. Before I discovered a penchant for reading — which put my wallet firmly under siege — my profits were primarily diverted into two categories. One was my summery expense account, which would fund my goggles, tubes, snorkels, and other precursors to my wetlook/“>wetlook fetish. The other category was my bicycle/watergun fund.

This last one was primarily a bicycle accessory fund. Bicycles offer little boys to both use tools and explore the world. I spent more of my lawn mowing money on lights, locks, mirrors, seats, and other accessories than anything else. So, where do waterguns fit into the mix?

Every time I walked down the aisle at the store to the bicycle accessories I held dear, I walked by this row of large boxes. And every time, I coveted. No, I lusted.

Nowadays, water guns come in all shapes and sizes, from the cheap handheld ordeals that empty in minutes and break after a couple refills to the heavy duty Super Soakers with sights and incredible ranges. Well, this row of lusty boxes contained something like a Super Soaker on steroids.

The gun required two hands to carry, making it akin to a bazooka in my child eyes. It could hit a target from thirty feet away, a feat that boggled my imagination: that was clear across the yard! And best of all, it had a feeder tube that led to a large backpack containing two huge water tanks. No more emptying the gun in ten seconds and running back to the faucet.

This was a man’s gun.

Sadly, I never bought that backpack watergun. There were always cheaper accessories for my bike, and I was terrible at saving. And that gun was expensive. Like $35! That was a lot of yards mowed.

However, I never lost that lust. If anything, it expanded. Now, I have fantasies about soaking my wife — adorned in all white, of course — with that kind of firepower. Or rather, water power. In fact, this fantasy even spawned a sexy game idea or two.

Plus, I want to fight my kids with it, outgunning them in the extreme. After all, this is a man’s gun.

Therefore, I submit waterguns are #notjust4kids.

About Phil (251 Articles)
Philip Osgood is a Christian husband, father, and writer who considers himself a passable video game player, fiction reader, camping and hiking enthusiast, welder, computer guy, and fitness aficionado, though real experts in each field might just die of laughter to hear him claim it. He has been called snarky, cynical, intelligent, eccentric, creative, logical, and Steve for some reason. Phil and his beautiful wife Clara live in Texas with their children in a house with a dog but no white picket fence. He does own a titanium spork from ThinkGeek, though, so he must be alright.